


avenoir

by xinmood



Series: matters of the heart [1]
Category: HOTSHOT (Band), Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Songfic, because hatae will be in my heart forever, hatae - Freeform, i am in pain, slight fluff too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 10:04:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11529960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xinmood/pseuds/xinmood
Summary: Noh Taehyun was, by far, the only person who had always managed to fluster Ha Sungwoon.





	avenoir

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by Jaewon/One's song, Gettin' By ♡

_Hello, It's been a while_

_How have you been lately?_

 

It was fate that they met that day - their gazes almost unseeing as they scanned the street, a strong pull of _something_ or other interrupting the quiet nonchalance in their demeanors. Something shifted in the air as their eyes met. A slight buzz, a peculiar tingle. Recognition flooded their features after a beat of silence, a happy but restrained smile on one and a full-out grin on the other. The latter raised his hand, his smile the brightest it had ever been in a while - and for a moment the other boy had forgotten how to breathe.

 

“Ha Sungwoon,” the grinning boy greeted, crossing the street with a vigor he had not had for the past few weeks. Sungwoon’s features were schooled into a smiling mask, his emotions in turmoil.

 

It’d been too long.

 

_It’s too soon._

 

His memories came fluttering to the back of his mind and he tried hard to quell his nervousness. Inwardly, he scolded himself. This was Noh Taehyun. His Noh Taehyun, his happy pill, his best friend, and so much more.

 

_Or so we could’ve been._

 

“Taehyun, it’s been a while,” Sungwoon laughed breathily, his eyes scanning Taehyun’s, trying to search for something he wasn’t sure of himself. He was afraid of what Taehyun would see in his eyes. That boy was notorious for knowing whatever Sungwoon was feeling. No matter how much Sungwoon tried to hide, Taehyun would find out eventually. It was both an asset, and a cause for a migraine.

 

Sungwoon was a sociable person, he knew how to manage himself in front of people. He was witty and charming, a fact supported by all who knew him. He’d always known what to say and how to approach a situation - but God help him, Noh Taehyun always managed to render him speechless.

 

This time was no different, as he tried to think of what to say to disperse the silence that was lasting slightly too long to be comfortable.

 

“How have you been lately?”

 

As soon as the question left his lips, an urge for the floor to swallow him whole overcame him. _Really, Sungwoon?_ A dull question that would receive dull answers, and dull answers that would lead to a dull conversation. Ha Sungwoon has never held a dull conversation in his life, but of course Taehyun would be the one to mess up his clean record. And _of course,_ Noh Taehyun would know something was up. It was never this awkward between them, up until a certain incident happened, one that Sungwoon wanted to forget.

 

“I’ve been getting by. It’s as fine as it gets.”

 

Few seemingly innocent words that seemed to hold a greater depth of meaning. Sungwoon looked away from Taehyun, glancing at the floor. He wouldn’t admit it but he was afraid. What would he see in his eyes? Taehyun could read him easily - it was second nature to him. But Taehyun had the most expressive pair of eyes he’d ever seen. It wasn’t hard to know what he was thinking. Or perhaps it was simply because he was Ha Sungwoon.

 

_And as if nothing happened_

_We went back to our familiar places_

 

Drunken laughter and quiet mutterings steered the conversation. It was late July, just before Wanna One’s debut and Sungwoon had snuck in time to meet his Hotshot brothers. There was no better way to catch up than with a drinking session, of course. A nice, quiet buzz clouded his senses and he closed his eyes briefly, the background chatter of the bar a sweet lull to his ears. A comfortable silence had settled on the group and he opened his eyes again, his heart catching in his throat when he laid eyes on the boy staring back at him.

 

Sungwoon showed no outer reaction but he could not deny the fluttering feeling in his chest. It’d been years since they first met - and yet whenever he looked at Taehyun, it felt like the first time all over again. The warmth, the calm feeling that he brings Sungwoon. He was his anchor whether he knew it or not.

 

This time Taehyun gazed at Sungwoon with a strong emotion that Sungwoon didn’t know what to make of. Affection, fondness? Or perhaps it was just his wishful thinking?

 

Taehyun was a rather unguarded drunk, whenever he did drink that is, which was rare. Sungwoon observed him carefully, noting the slight clench in his fist and the tongue that darted out to lick his lips. The innocent action drew his eyes to the drunk boy’s lips, lingering longer than he should have. His eyes darted elsewhere slightly too hastily as he ran a hand through his hair in a casual manner.

 

_So much I want to say_

_But I won’t_

_I know you feel the same way_

 

Sungwoon shivered, the wind a soft whisper against his face. It was slowly transitioning into winter, he noted blankly, as he pulled his coat tighter around his body. _A fitting atmosphere,_ he thought wryly. He walked on with Taehyun by his side, their feet matching each other’s pace, as it’d used to. Sungwoon took comfort in that fact.

 

_Perhaps things aren’t that different after all._

 

On a typical day, a day before everything and _nothing_ happened, they would have regarded the quiet atmosphere as comfortable. But it had been months since, and Sungwoon couldn’t help but feel uneasy. Seeing him again made him - he would begrudgingly admit - vulnerable. He didn’t know where he stood in Taehyun’s life, and that was what scared him the most.

 

His mind was a flurry of thoughts. He did not notice when Taehyun came to a halt, proceeding onward with his gaze directed on the ground in front of him. The former boy grabbed him and Sungwoon visibly jumped, turning his gaze to the hand that was wrapped around his wrist. His thoughts got louder and louder but he stopped himself before he could venture too far into the matter.

 

“It feels like yesterday that we were just here,” Taehyun murmured, his voice softer than it usually was, as if he was nervous bringing it up.

 

Sungwoon finally took notice of his surroundings, his lips forming a small ‘o’, then curling into a bittersweet smile. They were at the quiet bridge that no one really used. A bridge that held special memories Sungwoon wasn’t sure he wanted to remember.

 

_I wish I could talk to you_

_like I did before_

 

The duo was a mess of loud stumbling and soft chuckles, Sungwoon lightly clinging on to Taehyun’s shoulders as they walked along that very same bridge. The night breeze was too loud to Sungwoon’s sensitive ears. Taehyun let out a drunken yell suddenly and he winced, releasing his grip. He looked down to see Taehyun sink down on the floor, his back against the bars of the bridge, head tilted back with a serene expression on his face - a picture he was sure he’d never forget.

 

“Why are you on the floor all of a sudden?” Sungwoon laughed, between hiccups. He sat down next to him anyways, too buzzed to care. The other members had gone to the store so the two were left by themselves, going nowhere in particular. Surprisingly enough no one questioned if leaving the two together was a good idea, what more knowing they were both tipsy and vulnerable.

 

Sungwoon closed his eyes, leaning his head against Taehyun’s shoulder. The latter settled back into a more comfortable position for both of them, letting out a soft sigh.

 

“I’m so proud of you.”

 

Taehyun’s voice was steady and clear, and suddenly Sungwoon’s drunken haze had started to lift. He raised an eyebrow at the sudden declaration, but didn’t move. He was tired and frankly, Taehyun made a good pillow. Sungwoon wanted to speak up, but Taehyun continued before he could form the words.

 

“And...I know we’ve never really talked about it but... I know you’ve suffered the most, and I know you feel lonely right now.”

 

Taehyun’s eyes were unseeing, lost in his thoughts. Sungwoon wasn’t sure if Taehyun knew he was voicing them aloud. His heart clenched slightly at his words because _damn, how did he know_ but he breathed in and dismissed the thought, addressing the boy sitting beside him.

 

“Ey, of course I’m lonely. I miss all of you,” he lifted his head to smile at Taehyun, but the boy didn’t look like he was listening.

 

“Sungwoon. I know you. You know we’ll meet up whenever we can, right? It’ll be like nothing ever changed. And after you become a superstar, after those two years… you’ll be with us again… You have us, you have me, don’t forget that...”

 

Taehyun’s voice trailed off and Sungwoon frowned. He sounded more like he was trying to convince himself. Concerned, he leaned forward and scanned his expression - blank, but if you looked hard enough, Taehyun always had a hint of _something_ in his face. Sungwoon had always been able to find it - so this time, he was more than slightly alarmed to find out that it was despair.

 

He thought back to the Produce 101 finale, thought back to how Taehyun had cried for him, thought back to when he was so happy Sungwoon got third place despite his elimination. Thought back to how they had been each other’s source of strength throughout the show, through their bickering and the hardship, through it all. When their practice room was leaking, when they felt like giving up, when they wanted to scream and yell their frustrations to the world but couldn’t. Within those 2 months alone they had a shared connection, one even stronger than the one they had throughout knowing each other for the past few years. And so when Taehyun was hurting, Sungwoon hurt too.

 

“Hey.” a poke. A beat of silence, and then Taehyun’s eyes shifted to meet his.

 

“Why are you the one feelin’ upset? I’m the one away from the people most precious to me,” Sungwoon joked lightly, trying to distract Taehyun - and probably himself at the same time, too - from the sudden change in mood. Sungwoon sucked in a breath at the heavy look in Taehyun’s eyes. He was about to speak up again, when Taehyun uttered the words that he had never thought he’d ever hear.

 

“Because you’re the one most precious to me.”

 

_Those times, that moment_

_When I felt that I let go of it all_

_I can say it’s just a memory now_

 

To say Sungwoon was shocked was an understatement. For a long while, the words floated around his mind, the brokenness of Taehyun’s voice resonating, confusing him. His mouth went dry, trying to come up with words but nothing in his vocabulary could express his thoughts well enough - _What does this mean? Am I dreaming? Am I just_ that _goddamn drunk?_ _Why is he looking at me like that?_

 

“Y-You’re precious to me too, Taehyun,” Sungwoon finally whispered, scared to speak too loud, scared of voicing his thoughts and scared of jumping to conclusions. Taehyun’s eyes focused again, his gaze electrifying and soft all at once, a look Sungwoon knew all too well. A look that was reserved for Sungwoon and Sungwoon only: quiet but powerful, peculiar and confusing. And all too soon was the distance between them closing, their eyelids fluttering shut, breaths intermingling, lips slightly brushing each other’s in a drunken but raw, honest haze - and that was when Sungwoon knew he’d fallen for the man in front of him.

 

The erratic beating of his heart pounded loudly in his ears, and for a moment all he could see and feel was Taehyun. The latter boy’s lips pressed against his in a soft question, reassuring yet dangerous all the same. Taehyun’s hands lay lightly on Sungwoon’s, absentmindedly rubbing circles onto his palm, his touch sending tingles down his spine. Sungwoon’s lips parted in a sigh before he moved against him, his other hand raising in a careful caress against Taehyun’s cheek. He trailed his fingers against the back of his neck, lightly grasping it after feeling the other boy physically tremble beside him. Sungwoon’s heart leapt in his throat because _oh my god, he’s reacting to me, he’s_ kissing _me, and damn him for making me feel so bloody vulnerable on a public overhead bridge at 2 in the morning._

 

_I keep asking myself_

_About the what ifs and would’ve beens_

 

It was a sudden thought, one that hit him so suddenly and one that came out of nowhere, that disrupted their shared moment of ecstasy.

 

_What will happen next?_

 

_What’ll become of us?_

 

_Won’t this ruin everything?_

 

And with that Sungwoon pulled back, his mind a myriad of emotions, self-doubting and alarmed. His eyes widened slightly as if he could not believe what he had just done, unfocused and slightly watery. Taehyun opened his eyes a beat late, looking at the other boy with an eyebrow slightly raised in question. _Why had he-?_

 

“I… I don’t know if this is a good idea,” he said finally, his voice growing steadier by the end of it. Sungwoon didn’t know who he was trying to convince.

 

Taehyun looked like he wanted to say something, and Sungwoon averted his gaze when he caught a flash of hurt in his expression. His heart wrenched watching Taehyun look down, biting his lip in contemplation. A soft ‘ah’ escaped his lips, and then silence.

 

_You and me_

_We’re just the same_

_The stuff that happens in movies or dramas_

_There’s no such thing_

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Sungwoon watched as Taehyun’s gaze snapped to his. His fingers froze as it went to adjust his coat against the cold November air. Warmth passed through his gaze as he scanned Sungwoon’s expression. Regret, sorrow, and yet still hopeful, Taehyun noticed as he took a deep breath. So they really were going to talk about it after all this time.

 

“I know.”

 

They looked at each other for a long time, quiet but thoughtful. Sungwoon realized just how much he missed Taehyun by his side regardless as a friend, or something more. He wondered how it would have been if that encounter had turned out slightly differently. Would they be living happily? Or would it have crumbled, as he’d predicted?

 

_It's not as if our current situation had turned out any better._

 

“...I was afraid. Of what would happen,” Sungwoon began in a whisper, his eyes downcast. “I was afraid that what we had then would be ruined. I was scared of losing this, this thing we have, but it seems I’ve already ruined it on my own -”

 

“Sungwoon, don’t.” Taehyun commanded softly, his voice low. “You know that no matter what, I’ll be here. I told you before, I’ve always got you.”

 

“Do you really?” Sungwoon’s head snapped up, a sadness clouding his features, his voice strained, “After I’ve basically ran away, avoiding you? How can you be so forgiving? How can you possibly still _care_ for me?”

 

“You know I hated you for that,” Taehyun smiles, a sad one. “But I’ve known you for a long time now. I know you need time, and I know you can be a pain in the ass, but I love you all the same.”

 

Sungwoon felt his heart clench.

 

_There were times I thought things were going well_

_Then things broke down a few times_

_I wish I could talk to you like I did before_

 

He knew he was being irrational.

 

The amount of times he’d ducked away from Taehyun’s gaze whenever they met in the back rooms on music shows. The number of times he’d reply halfheartedly to Taehyun’s texts once the company gave them their phones back, or the number of times he never replied at all. Ha Sungwoon had always prided himself in being level-headed and rational, and yet here he was, running away from his problems.

 

He stared at the phone screen that was too bright to his eyes, the words swimming before him.

 

_Are you that busy that you forget to reply? Anyways, I’m listening to your songs now_

 

_Your voice sounds better with Hotshot lol_

 

_Did you fall off the face of the earth or something?_

 

He sighed, scrolling through the separate chatroom for the rest of the members. His lips tugged up slightly at the ridiculous conversations, but it vanished when he read a particular message from Hojung.

 

_Taehyun was telling us to take you out of the fanchant lol_

 

_But when the live ended he kept on talking about how different it is without you kkk he misses you more than we do hahaha_

 

The chat was swarmed by the other members after that, and the texts were soon swallowed up, but Sungwoon kept coming back to them with a heavy heart. He lay his head back against the cool mirror of the practice room, not knowing what to think. He was exhausted from promotions, and although the Wanna One members were the sweetest bunch, there were things he felt he wasn’t comfortable to share. Sometimes he desperately wanted to let it out to someone but the only person he was truly comfortable with was the one he was persistently running away from.

 

He closed his eyes, letting out a tired sigh. It wasn’t the stress from the hectic schedules that got him. He was the happiest, getting all these schedules, ones that he’d never gotten to have before Produce 101. He only wished he could have experienced it with his other members together. The thought of them and their company’s situation made his heart ache, but he knew they would do well after this. He believed in them; in Moonkyu, Junhyuk, Yoonsan, and Hojung.

 

He believed in Taehyun.

 

_How are you doing these days?_

_At these typical questions_

_I have typical answers_

 

_He believed in Taehyun._

 

The higher you build walls around your heart, the harder you fall when someone tears them down. Sungwoon knew this better than anyone else. When he looked at Taehyun’s soft smile directed at him, he felt himself falling all over again - or rather, he never really did fall out of love. He remembered the first time they met, the second, the time they went on Produce, and the time they kissed. A moment so fragile, so breathtaking, and so special to them both.

 

And then he made up his mind.

 

Sungwoon took a deep breath, licking his lips. “Shall we start over?”

 

Taehyun grinned, joy washing over his features, the brightest he’d ever been in months.

 

“It’s been a while, how are you doing?”

 

And from there they never really had typical answers, nor did they have typical conversations. From then, it was just Noh Taehyun and Ha Sungwoon, no what ifs or would’ve beens. It was them, falling in love recklessly, irrevocably - and they wouldn’t have had it any other way.

 

_I can say it’s just a memory now,_

_I think I can see you a bit more calmly now_

 

**Author's Note:**

> i've been deprived of hatae so I wrote this lil messy thing :') nevertheless hope you enjoyed this mess written in the middle of the night lol x (unedited so if you spot mistakes let me know, thank you hehe)
> 
> also, it's the first time i've written in 2 years rip so i apologise for the rusty-ness ; w ;


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